Clone Your Lovers

If you really love each other, then clone your lover.

Priscilla has been with her boyfriend for several years. They met in high school. Ryan noticed her in first period, and by lunchtime they were going steady. It was a veritable romance.

They went to football games together, grabbed pizza after school, studied for finals and of course, went to prom together. From the moment they woke up to the minute they went to sleep, they were together. Inseparable. Their parents were not concerned because they could see the love they had for one another. Their friends didn’t mind, because, well, they didn’t have any friends.

When they graduated from high school, they went off to college together. They rented an apartment together and they both got jobs at the same restaurant.

They studied the same subject and joined the same clubs and teams. They volunteered at the same hospital and frequented the same shops.

They got married and a child and named him Priscyan, because they had made him together and so he was of them.

They moved into a small house in town and worked from home that way they could stay at home together and go to work together.

One day, Ryan turned to Priscilla and asked, “What will I do without you? What will I do when one day one of us gets sick and passes?”

Priscilla caressed her dear husband’s head and said softly, “We won’t ever leave each other. We will get sick together and die together.”

Priscilla and Ryan both began to think of what the world would be like without the other. Priscilla was beside herself. Ryan was beside himself. Priscilla thought about the memories they shared and how Ryan would always be in her thoughts. Ryan thought about how he would carry her in his soul and they would always be together in his heart. Neither of them thought the abstract and intangible would suffice.  She didn’t just want a memory of him, she wanted to feel him, touch him, and talk to him. He didn’t want to just remember the past; her wanted to look to their future. She wanted to eat with him, watch television with him, take walks with him… He wanted to discuss poetry with her, go dancing with her and anything else his little heart desired.

“I have an idea,” she told Ryan. “When one day we will no longer be here, let’s make another one of us.”

Normally Ryan always knew what Priscilla meant; they finished each other’s sentences, shared one another’s thoughts. But today was different. “I don’t follow. What do you mean?” Ryan asked.

“I mean, let’s clone ourselves and die together. We do everything together, we have lived every moment together, we must die together, but we can’t leave Priscyan alone. So, let’s clone ourselves and live on together.”

Ryan truly loved his wife Priscilla and upon hearing her idea he realized just how profound her love for him was. He touched his hand upon her cheek and kissed her softly. “Well, that’s a great idea. Clone my lover, I like it.”

To this date no one can be sure if this modern-day Romeo and Juliet ever did clone their lovers. No one can be sure, but one thing is for certain, Priscyan grew up to be a very strange man. 

(ART by CLIO LUNIA)

The Life Changer

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
by FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY

No book in the history of books (that I've read) can swallow you whole like Crime and Punishment. When I was finally done reading this novel, I was a whole new person.

I swear, from the first words on the first page I was already engulfed in the world of Raskolnikov. I had this horrible feeling int he pit of my stomach, I was uncomfortable, I was sad and depressed, I felt lonely and isolated... I felt everything he felt for the entirety of the novel. It was awful... but it was amazing! Who else can write like that? I'm telling you, in all the years that I have been reading (unassisted), I have never read a book like this, a book a would consider Dostoevsky's masterpiece.

I know that Notes from Underground was a work of art, really, it was. I know that it takes years of studying and much knowledge to appreciate a said novel. I have also read The Brothers Karamazov, which, I gotta tell you, is also one of my favorite books of all time. But, just because The Brothers Karamazov has made it into my list of favorites, doesn't mean that it was Dostoevsky's best work.

Crime and Punishment is dark and eerie. It's a horrible story that no one on Earth wants to identify with, yet you can't help feeling these uncanny similarities between you and this foreign character with whom you try to convince yourself you have nothing in common.

At the beginning of this novel, the main character is torn and tormented. He is about to commit a crime. He must commit the crime, or so he has convinced himself. So, he successfully does what he has set out to do. This all happens in the first few chapters. While reading the first little bit, I remember thinking, 'This book is going to open my eyes to my own moral barometer. It's really gonna make me think about things I never really thought about.'

The first few chapters brought me to that place where I was forced to think about what I would do, how I would feel, and so on. The most important question I struggled with was the same one Raskolnikov was plagued with: Had he changed his very nature permanently? If so, was there a way to undo it, or was he going to punish himself forever? Well, without giving too much away, he spent the next 900 pages in punishment. But the dialogue, the description, the emotion - it was all so other worldly, yet so close to home.

I read this book at a pinnacle time in my life, and I think before I ever completed it, I had picked it up more than 3 times. It is a book that must be read in one's lifetime. However, when you read it is up to you. Pick it up, read the first little bit, see what gives. If the book doesn't strike you right away, put it down. Walk away. You'll be back. You'll be ready eventually, and when you are, this book will do for you what it did for me and so many before me: swallow you whole and spit you out new.

Bunny Carrot Girl

It really just tickles me silly to think of all of the wonderful things I can do.

A couple of years from now I will be able to get away with even more I bet you. Well, it’s not just about that really. It’s about way more than that.

I have been working as a gardener for some time now. 

Gardening is pleasant work, and it’s fruitful, to say the least. I plant lots of different types of vegetables and other sorts of things I am not at liberty to discuss. I wake up early, I plant and care for my garden all day and when night falls, I am back home.

One day not too long ago, I was busy busy fertilizing, picking, mixing, plowing, shoveling and watering, that I gotta tell you, I didn’t even have one second to breathe. Anyhow, as I was saying, there I was busy busy and you know, it’s been years that this one little bunny rabbit frequents my garden, but that day, little Peter Rabbit brought along a friend. I didn’t know what to do. I was so beside myself. You see, I’m not scared of Peter, he’s so cute and fluffy and furry and bunny like, but his friend… oh boy! His little bunny friend, or shall I say, mammoth-of-a-rabbit friend, was so super duper scary, I jumped back and held onto my shovel with such fear. Still to this day I shake when I talk about it. Anyway, so there I was staring at Peter’s friend, in my garden, holding onto a shovel for dear life, when all of a sudden the rabbit started to bark and growl. You think I’m lying, but trust me when I say, that was no rabbit.

As it turned out, I had dropped my glasses upon sight of Peter Rabbit and his jumbo friend so I couldn’t tell the difference between a rabbit and a dog. My faith was restored and my love for rabbits came full circle.

Oh dear me how happy I was to know that I still very much enjoyed a rabbits company. Because, let me tell you, if that gargantuan thing had turned out to be a rabbit and not a dog, I just don’t know what I would do with my bunny ears and carrot blazer.

(ART by CLIO LUNIA)

Got Beef?

A couple of weeks ago some buddies and I went down to the skate park to grind ’n flip a few. We go down almost three times a week if not more. It’s the perfect place to hang and be with my friends, but it’s also the best way to get away from home. Bleh! Home, one more year and I’m out.

In any case, we went down to the park and flipped a few. I got some good air and didn’t bail off the railing when I tried for crooks. A few quick grabs, nothing fancy and I was ready to call it a day.

Trevor, Santos and I sat on our decks and started shooting the shit.

Santos: “Hey yo, Grubbie. Why don’t you come with us to the ink shop? We are gonna watch Wes get a tattoo of a halfpipe on his leg. It’s gonna be sick!”

Me: “Yo man! That’s sick! Of course I’m comin’”

Trevor: “Yeah well, let’s just see what happens when we get there. Knowing Wes, this is all just some bogus scheme to get us to think he’s cool. Anyhow, I don’t think he got his parents permission.”

Me: “Oh yeah? You need permission for that shit? Hmm…”

Santos: “Whatcha thinkin’ Grubbie? What’s with the ‘hmm’?”

Me: “Neh man. Nothin’, I was just thinkin’ I could fake it, no?”

Trevor: “You could totally fake it dude! Just sign his mom’s name on some piece of paper sayin’: yo it’s cool to tat up my son.’”

Santos: “Yeah! Write one for me too, man. I wanna get something gnarly.”

Trevor: “Whatcha thinkin’ of getting?”

Santos: “Not sure yet. But something for sure.”

Me: “I’m gonna write one for all of us, dude. This is gonna be the illest! So stoked right now!”

Santos: “Dude! You should totally get something huge way across your chest! Ha Ha! That would be awesome! Like: ‘what’s up?’ or somethin’”

Me: “No way man, that’s just stupid.”

Trevor: “Do it man. That would be hilarious! I’ll pay you a hundred bucks if you do it.”

Me: “Really?”

Santos: “Yeah. And I’ll pay for the tattoo.”

Me: “Really?”

The three of us skated over to the tattoo parlor, walked in and slammed our ‘permission slips down on the counter and asked for a deal on four tats. The guy behind the counter was slick, all tatted up and scary ’n shit. He knew right away that we were underage and that our slips were bogus, but he didn’t get all logistic on us. He waved me over and asked me what I wanted. I didn’t want to go first, but I couldn’t look all uncool in front of my buddies.

Me: “Guys, I don’t know if I should do this. My parents are gonna be all up in my face. This is nuts. I don’t want beef with them, I got one more year at home and then I’m out. Maybe I’ll do it then.”

Santos: “No way man! You gotta do this now man! If you don’t do it now it ain’t just your parents you’ll have beef with. Ha! Ha!”

Me: “All right man. Here goes.”

And there you have it. Look, I don’t want no beef with nobody. I ain’t no chicken and I don’t wanna be bullied, so that’s that. You have a problem with that? What? Got Beef?

(ART by CLIO LUNIA)

Cinderella Slut

Once upon a time in a far away land, there lived a man. This man was no ordinary man. Quite the contrary to be exact, this man was extraordinary.

One day, upon awakening, the young extraordinary man put on his favorite turtleneck and blazer on and charged forth on his daily morning promenade.

Along his trail, he would normally stop to whisper to a tree, sing to a flower, dance with a honeybee, or convert money. But that morning was different from all other mornings. Upon that special morning, the extraordinary man took but a mere three strides before being startled nearly to death.

He rarely ever bumped into another human being, and if he did, then that other human being would be yet a mere ordinary person, unlike himself, who was extraordinary. However, the person he collided with that morning was an extraordinary woman; a tall, beautiful, redhead extraordinary princess.

The extraordinary man was taken aback. His mouth open, eyes wide, and cheeks the color of rose with a hint of coy.

“Oh me, oh my,” whispered the extraordinary man to himself. “This is the mighty and marvellous Cinderella. She is so beautiful, I must introduce myself.”

With that, the extraordinary man erected his arm forth and thrust himself upon her. “Princess,” he said with a bow. “If I may introduce myself, I am the extraordinary man from yonder.”

“It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Extraordinary Man,” responded Cinderella with a slight nod of her wonderful head.

They cooed and gawked at one another for but a soft moment, and without much further ado, they grabbed each other’s faces and began to kiss passionately. In one fell swoop, the two were rolling around in the field, rustling and hustling, sucking face and clutching at parts that ordinary people don’t know or have.

Several intense hours later, the extraordinary man and the slutty princess put their clothes back on and said their goodbyes.

As the extraordinary man set off on his trail, he turned back toward the princess and said, “Thank you very much Princess, today you have fulfilled my wildest dreams. You truly are the sluttiest princess I have met to date.”

The princess was taken aback upon hearing such an exceptional compliment from such an extraordinary man. She placed her hand to her lips and puckered up. Her hand fluttered as she motioned to blow the extraordinary man one last kiss.

“Thank you,” she added.

The extraordinary man was never one for wearing his heart on his sleeve, but he couldn’t hold back after such a sensational encounter. He turned to his masked Fairy-bell and winked, “Today was another extraordinary day in my extraordinary life, huh Fairy-bell?”

“Today was awesome, my man.” 

(ART by CLIO LUNIA)

Abori Coolness

(To be read in a British accent)

Some people are just cooler than others.

I mean, to be quite honest, I never wanted to be the one who came out and said it, but come on… I’m freakin’ cool.

I first started wearing the one-piece cat suit when I was quite young, most likely younger than you are right now. I remember there was this one Halloween way back when I was eight or nine years old, I looked up at my Mum and, in the cutest, sweetest voice, I asked her, “Mum, I think I’ll be a rabbit for Halloween this year, is that all right with you?”

She looked back at me, fond of her little boy and she replied, “Why yes, my dear, a rabbit it is.”

It was after that first Halloween way back then, that I realized just how cozy a one-piece suit was. I reluctantly undressed post trick-or-treat and got into my nightdress. As I tucked myself into bed that night, I remember being so vastly uncomfortable. I quickly untucked myself, slid out of bed and went over to my dresser… there had to be a way for me to sew and stitch together pants to a top. I was determined.

Much to my dismay, I was wrong. Being the eight- (or nine-) year-old boy that I was, I couldn’t stitch nor sew. So, I got back into bed and thought and thought and dreamed and dreamed of the many ways I would convince my dear ol’ Mum to purchase me my very own one-piece suit to be worn daily.

The following morning, bright and early, I walked over to the kitchen table where my mother was, of course, reading the morning paper, and I asked her, “Mum, I looked quite cool last night in that one-piece suit, did I not?”

“Oh, darling. You looked precious,” she replied.

I spent the next twenty minutes or so explaining to Mumsy how I had decided that from that day forth, I would only, exclusively, wear a one-piece suit. I would not only wear this suit every day of my very existence, but said suit would not stop at my neck or toes. My shoes were to be built in, as was a headpiece, mouth-hole cut out. I would buy the fabric in white and color onto it whatever it was that I fancied at that very moment.

As so was the birth of cool. Abori Coolness, for that is my full name.

(ART by CLIO LUNIA)