Top 5 Ways to Rock a Kid-Stained Outfit

Before I had kids, going out on a Saturday night was a simple affair. My friends and I would choose a destination, plan our outfits, gather at one of our places for pre-drinks, and then head out for a night on the town followed by a Sunday-morning sleep in/brunch. My! How things have changed. Now, my pre-game looks something more like: finish getting the kids fed and bathed, hope they warm up to the nanny in time for me to make a break for my room to decide what to wear, and then race to get through my glam routine so I can get to dinner on time.

No matter how happy my kids are, playing with each other or with the nanny, I can never leave the house without at least a 15-minute meltdown; I have no idea why my kids have such abandonment issues! I’m with them 24 hours a day! 

I am all dressed up in my leather pants, white chiffon blouse and black fringe booties. My youngest daughter sees me making my way for the front door and immediately throws herself to the floor with even more dramatic flare than Kim Kardashian West finding out her last beignet was eaten. I pick her up and she immediately buries her face in my shoulder. Tears, drool, boogers, the whole shebang—within 30 seconds my outfit has been drenched and stained. Not a pretty sight, but I can’t get pissed. I need to act fast before some of this fluid starts to harden. I definitely don't have time to change, and if I attempt getting the stains out, what happens if I rub and rub and only make things worse? I need to think of a quick fix…quick.

            So, how do you cover up the after effects of your child’s meltdown? Here are my top 5 ways to rock your outfit despite the kid phlegm that’s taken over:

1. Add some sophistication—Weather pending, throw a soft, silky pashmina over your shoulders. No one will ever know what’s really going on under there. Scarves have been hiding our little secrets for years: whether it was your teenage hickey, your bloated belly, or a little stain you’d been fighting with, a bright-colored scarf always does the trick.
2. Rock out—Every girl should own a sick leather jacket, for several reasons. First and foremost, they are a wardrobe staple. But in close second, it’s my at-home fix-it trick that has practically put my tailor out of work. Little tears, some pilling, tiny stains, big stains, stains that were once light and soft that have now hardened and can’t come out—a great leather jacket is like the magic eraser of fashion. You’ll look like a sexy rockstar. Plus, added bonus: you’ll be the cool girl who won’t take their jacket off at the table (no matter the temperature) in the name of fashion.
3. Let your hair down—I usually tie my hair back, but when I go out at night, I always leave it down. It’s just the way I feel sexiest. In the case of me versus boogers, it’s not just about feeling sexy, it’s also about letting my long tresses cover the living creature that’s taken to pitching a tent on my left shoulder. Keeping my mane perfectly in place will be a difficult task; I do love playing with my hair just out of habit or tying it back when food comes, but now I’ll just have to look like some New York blogger with the perfect ‘do all night!
4. Every outfit can use more bling—Depending on the location of the disturbance, I often think of cute fashion-statement jewelry. A brooch, some chained necklaces, some fur… I suggest you stay away from shoulder-length earrings; that might just draw unnecessary attention to the mess. You pile on the riches, even if a poke of snot shines through, whoever is staring will be forced to look away due to all the bling shining in their faces.
5. This is your life—What would’ve happened if I hadn’t noticed the boogs prior to arriving at the restaurant, and had the misfortune of having a friend point it out, or worse, a stranger? Own it! I’m hot, I’m sexy and I’m a mom! This is life; this is my life – boogers and all! I wouldn’t change it for the world.