UNITED WE STAB

One day, a while back, I was out with a friend. Yeah, a girl friend, but not a girlfriend. Anyhow, we were out walking around the stable just hanging out and talking.

Cynthia and I have been friends for a long time and obviously I like her like more than a friend, but that day when we were out walking was not the right time to tell her how I felt. I was gonna listen to my mom’s advice and just sit her down and tell her, “Cynthia, I like you like more than a friend and I want you to be my girlfriend.” But, my mom is not always right you know. Once, a while ago I had a friend over playing video games and I had told my mom that Brad totally sucked because he always cheated, and she told me that I should just tell Brad that he shouldn’t cheat anymore. Worst mistake of my life! Brad went all ballistic on me and stabbed me in the shoulder. It hurt so much I was all like, “Thanks a lot, mom.”

That has nothing to do with my story, but whatever, I just wanted to explain why my mom was so not always the right person to take advice from. Especially since, that time with Andrea – ugh! I almost forgot about that time. This girl at school was always making fun of me, and I told my mom about her so she could tell me how to deal with a bully like her. My mom said that I should ask her nicely to stop and if she still didn’t stop then I should tell Mrs. Finastra what had been going on. So, of course, I listened to my mom’s advice. Another disaster! Andrea never stopped harassing me, so I ended up telling Mrs. Finastra about Andrea and that only made things worst. Andrea waited for me outside near the swing set after class and she jumped me and stabbed me in the leg. Oh man! I swear, I don’t know when I will learn my lesson: my mom clearly knows nothing about being a fourth grader. This is some complicated stuff.

Whatever, back to Cynthia. She’s so pretty. I was going to tell her she’s pretty, but that’s what my mom had said I should do, and I was not listening to my mom anymore. So that day, while walking around the stable and just hanging out, I decided to shove Cynthia and call her annoying. She cried so much, she told me I was a jerk, but the weird thing is she didn’t leave. She didn’t punch me, and she didn’t jump me, she didn’t stand united with all the other bullies and stab me. It was amazing!

The short and the long of it is that from that day on I knew what I had to do to stay safe and keep my cool. If I just called girls I like and told them I liked them, I would be made fun of. So instead, I would treat that super crappy and they would stick around. Bizarre, but it works. Just ask Rosie – my new girlfriend.

Oh and by the way, do you see that green blob catching up behind us? Eesh, I am so scared it’s coming for me! I see it sometimes, getting bigger and gaining on me. I try not to pay attention, especially since no one else sees it except fro me – I don’t wanna seem crazy, and I know it looks all pretty and shit, but I mean, that is some big-ass blob! 

(ART by CLIO LUNIA)